You’ve been here before. It’s a classic conversation. She calls you up, crying, describing with inhuman preciseness all the things he’s done wrong since they met. You gasp, “tsk”, and cry out with her. You ask the universe all the same questions she’s been asking: “Is he dumb? Is he crazy? When will he get it?” You don’t even think about the words before you say them. She sneezes, you say “bless you”; she holds the door, you say “thank you”; she sobs, you say “damn him to hell.” It’s reflexive, but that doesn’t mean you’re being insincere. You know she’s perfect, you’re sure of it. You’re not even sure of his last name. It’s easy to condemn a man you hardly know—you read your emails while doing it. She deserves the world, so why would you bother to listen?
But, what if she’s your mom? And he’s your dad? What if, more than anything, you want to hang up, but she has no one else to talk to? You have to be present now—you should be—though really, the choice is taken away when you hear her voice. You can’t read your emails, or look at anything besides the crack in the floor. You don’t want to see color while you listen to your mother cry.
You have to come up with new things to say because he’s not dumb. He’s not crazy. Maybe he does get it, but he gave up a long time ago. Maybe his role on Earth is just to save lives and heal the sick and he doesn’t have anything left when he comes home. And you know his last name—it’s your last name. You love him, so what do you say?
If she’s 55 and he’s almost 70, do you say, “Screw it, girl—you are way too cute for this”? Are you sure there are more fish in the sea? There might be for her; she looks 10 years younger than she really is. But what about him? What happens if you root for her happiness? He looks so old every time you go back to visit, and that house is so dark and empty already. Will there be fish for him, or will he live alone for the rest of his life? You worry they won’t be there, but you also wouldn’t be able to stomach these fish—anyone’s fish.
More questions. Less answers. What do you do when she says she’s “coughing up blood” from the weight of her depression? Do you drop everything and get on a bus? Do you tell her to breathe and calm down because you’ve heard this phrase before? What if you’ve heard that phrase your whole life? What if that phrase almost makes you laugh, but then you cry, instead, because you feel so guilty? What do you say when she’s given you everything since birth, and he’s given you just as much?
It doesn’t matter if you don’t know what to say. You are here to pick up the phone and let her speak. The speaking is not for you. She won’t let you speak, even if it’s just to say you have to go to work.
But that’s ok. She came here for you. She left her own mother for you. She married an educated man for you. She chose someone that you wouldn’t be embarrassed of, like she was of her father. You are the one who grew up with American freedom, sun on your hair and lipstick on your mouth. You are the one who gets an education, who will always make her own money. You are the one who dates boys before marrying them. So, it’s ok that you don’t say anything to her. You’ll find another way to say it. You’ll say it to a mass of strangers if you have to.