Anna* is a woman in her mid-twenties who is studying for her Master’s degree in New York City at an Ivy League University. When she was denied financial aid, she sought out alternative methods to pay for school. She signed up for a website that focuses on sugar dating, where her company is valued by an exchange of an allowance or gifts. In this interview, we discuss her personal life, her lifestyle, and her opinion on sugaring.
*Names have been changed for confidentiality.
12TH STREET: What drew you to the sugar-baby lifestyle?
ANNA: Almost two years ago I moved to the city to study at one of the best universities in the States. When my Financial Aid got denied, I was heartbroken. I had dedicated years to my studies with that goal in mind. My family couldn’t handle the burden of my tuition and I knew that a regular job paying minimum wage would not be realistic in order for me to pay it myself. I explored my options, while I questioned if I really needed this type of education. At the end of it, I couldn’t imagine the idea of losing the opportunity, so I took drastic measures by giving the sugar-baby lifestyle a try.
STREET: Did you have any concerns after making the decision to try it out?
ANNA: I was concerned about my sanity. Knowing that I had to live with myself and my decision was something that plagued me. This wasn’t something that I could erase out of my mind when I was done, so I gave it a lot of thought. I was also concerned about my health, but my number one concern was my safety. Meeting men that I had only talked to online or through text, and not really knowing who they were. People use false pictures, wrong names, different ages, etc. It is all for the sake of privacy and discretion, and that is how sugaring often works. That needed to be taken into consideration. I screened the men that I talked to by paying attention to details and what type of conversation they’d bring up prior to our date. To protect myself I would meet them for the first time at a public place, I made sure to share my location with a friend, and I would carry a self-defense tool. That eased my worries.
STREET: Do you consider this sex work?
ANNA: Yes, I do consider this sex work because sex is often a part of the scenario. But in some cases, believe it or not, sex is not a part of it. I have had a few relationships, or friendships, where the men just wanted the company and they never asked for sex.
STREET: What is your opinion on sex work and do you think it should be legalized?
ANNA: It would be very hypocritical of me to judge those who take this career path, as I am one of them. I do believe that people should be allowed to do what they want with their bodies without being shamed or judged for it. It’s nobody’s business. Undoubtedly, I think that it should be legalized for safety reasons. People will do this either way, whether it is legal or not, so legalizing it would help protect them. It is dramatic, but the truth is that making it safer could potentially save lives because it would allow people to go to the authorities if something would happen.
STREET: How do you manage the money that you make?
ANNA: For the first time in my entire adult life I feel financially secure. Having been through hardship in the past taught me a lot, so I don’t spend excessively now that I have more financial freedom. I started doing this with a goal in mind, and that was to get myself through school. So the majority of the money that I make goes towards tuition. Some goes towards living expenses and bills, and the rest I save for my future.
STREET: What are people’s biggest misconceptions about this?
ANNA: First is that people who do any type of sex work come from broken homes and bad family dynamics. I come from a very loving family. Being an only child, I got a lot of love and affection from my parents. I grew up in a small town and lived a fairly traditional life. Second is that people have nothing else to offer but their bodies and sex and that they are being used to pleasure others. That is very shaming and degrading to those who choose to do this. I feel like the reason for their choice of lifestyle is not considered. They are just automatically looked down on, despite their reasoning and circumstances.
STREET: How did the misconceptions make you feel about your choice of lifestyle?
ANNA: In the beginning, I felt shame. I wouldn’t say I was against it, I just never saw myself doing it and I never thought I would be in a situation where I felt like I had to. I personally turned to it not only because of desperation, but lack of resources, and the cost of living and higher education. Keeping up with the lifestyle takes a tremendous amount of dedication and effort and it is far from being easy. With time, however, I did not only gain perspective, but I gained an appreciation for the men that helped me. I’ve been lucky to have met great men that I highly value and respect and that have happily taken over the burden of my financial difficulties. In the relationships that I’ve had, I’ve felt respected and valued. I’m looked at as an individual and not a sex object. That, and having met men that I genuinely care about, has changed my overall view.
STREET: How are the power dynamics in these types of relationships?
ANNA: I’m in charge when it comes to these men. I’m the one who makes the decisions. So ultimately, it’s up to me. I don’t have to do anything that I don’t want to do or am uncomfortable doing. I’m in complete control and I can walk away at any time if I choose to do so. So I choose to spend my time with those who I truly like and am attracted to. I have the ability to be picky.
STREET: Is there anything that you’d like to add?
ANNA: Just that I hope to erase some of the stigmas that come with the topic. My main thing is to do it in the healthiest way possible, and I believe that can be done. I’m optimistic that me speaking up will allow people to be more open-minded, and perhaps more aware and considerate to those who do this.